End of Season

I did the final vegetable delivery of squash today to the stores and restaurants in the city. The stockpiles of thousands of pounds of squash have finally diminished to a few small boxes in our summer kitchen. Most of these now will go to the cows as a treat.

The snow blew across the roads leaving little piles along the edge of the highway for the entire drive in to the city. We are one day shy of the day that snow tires are mandatory in my province, and this kind of driving makes me nervous of what the other guy thinks he can get away with. To boot, I had a coughing little toddler in the van with me constantly asking for his mitten to be adjusted or for me to change the CD or to explain again where we were going.

On this same day, I also happened to need to drop something off for someone at my office that I have not set foot in for months now. My son seemed keen to see the place that his Mommy had worked so I ventured there, parking in my old spot, heading up the same old elevator with the same faces all around me. Getting by the security guards was interesting in that they confiscated my pass when they noticed it was expired. I wanted to tell them that it was possible that my entire existence in this building had expired, but I did not. I handed over the card and proudly made my way into the building with a Visitor sticker on my jacket. Gabriel was quite thrilled as he got the same sticker as his Mom.

When I bumped into my Director, he asked when I was expected to return to work. "May", I told him. Over the din of a Christmas party that I coincidentally happened to be crashing, he leaned towards me and said "May or maybe?" "Good question", I told him. I didn't know yet.

And I really don't. As the season draws to a close and I find myself in this strange scenario of delivering seasonal local vegetables in a snow storm, I feel all of my choices coming under a microscope. What will I do now? What do I call myself? What will define my days and what can I do that I will be proud of?

I don't know the answers to any of these questions. Best I drive slowly through the little piles of snow accumulated on the roadsides. It could get slippery from here on in.