Runaway Mama

A little over eight years ago my mother and I went to a spa together. It was at a time in my life where I was picking up some pieces and wasn’t very happy with the way things were going. I lived alone in a bachelor apartment downtown (and wanted to live in the country), I was single (and hoped to find a partner one day) and worked at a job where I was still trying to find something I was good at and enjoyed. Needless to say I was ready for change.

One of the sessions at the spa was with a Reiki practitioner who many of the other ladies had said was fantastic. I was game. Immediately I was told that I had a rare silver light surrounding my entire body. Without telling her anything about myself I asked her what that meant. She said it usually related to a huge shift in one’s life in the very near future. A handful of months later, I bought a farm with my best friend (current husband) and my life changed completely – and for the better.

Roughly translated from Japanese, Reiki refers to a non-physical energy that flows through all living things connecting them to the wisdom of the universe. The person who administers Reiki will basically hold their hands above a 'broken' place on a person's body and unblock the flow of this energy, healing the person as a result. My husband is very good at this practice and often unwinds my nervous stomach or spinning head if I can’t sleep. The way I see it, he is a pretty calm and collected fellow most of the time and I’m hitching onto his vibe if you will.

This month has been a busy one for us. Things going wrong, large projects planned and underway, the usual May planting and seeding extravaganza. This is the first year I mostly have the kids home with me while I work. It has been a juggling act to say the least.

We now have our new packing shed mostly erected, our vehicles are mostly functioning (save for one), the fields are finally drying enough to get transplants out and the pigs and chickens are arriving and settling in. It feels as though we are now in the busy-ness as usual phase rather than the steep growth or recovery stage. This makes me feel relieved.

Today being the first day that I’ve felt that I’ve been able to come up for air for weeks, I asked Rob if it was okay if I took a tour off by myself. The intensity of being with the children and driving forward all of our farm affairs had finally caught up with me. I needed a minute to myself to breathe.

So I started to drive towards the city. Once I got there, I kept going. Part of me wanted to keep driving the two hours it took to get to Montreal from Ottawa. The open windows, the sun, the quiet, the predictability of the car’s movements was all I needed to heal from this busy time. I did eventually stop and busy myself before getting too far out of town.

The life I have is one that I asked for, prayed for, longed for, worked hard for. But in the whirlwind it is easy to get lost in it. Watering plants, feeding pigs, wiping bottoms, tidying floors, getting ready for markets. The bucket of demands is bottomless. I have learned that the only way to stop doing what needs to be done is to leave. And today I was blessed with some time and space on my own. My husband also heals me by giving me this without doubting my need for it. I have a very hard time taking it, but it is helpful that I am the only one who questions the necessity of it.

I listened to one of my favourite songs by Lucinda Williams in the car as tears of relief streamed down my face. Here are some of the lyrics.

Lucinda Williams – Side of the Road

You wait in the car on the side of the road
Lemme go and stand awhile,
I wanna know you're there but I wanna be alone
If only for a minute or two
I wanna see what it feels like to be without you
I wanna know the touch of my own skin
Against the sun, against the wind

If I stray away too far, don't go and try to find me
It doesn't mean I don't love you,
it doesn't mean I won't come back and stay beside you
It only means I need a little time
To follow that unbroken line
To a place where the wild things grow
To a place where I used to always go.

I’m home now. Exactly where I want to be. There are children sleeping peacefully upstairs and dogs lying on the floor, a husband eating brownies in the living room, cats and chickens and pigs and cows nestled in the barn.

Recently I looked up silver light and Reiki. I’m no Master, this is sure. But one thing I kept finding was that everyone has a basic colour that surrounds them all of the time and other colours just flow around this one. And guess which colour that is? Silver.

All these years I had told the story as if I had been singled out as having had this special silver aura. Instead, it is possible that I'm just like everybody else. She probably showed me that I had the power to build the life I wanted. I believed that change was possible and so many good things started rushing in faster than I could hold them.

And that is a silver lining that I’m grateful for. I’m especially grateful on days like today.