I’ve never been one for setting goals. I learned very early on in life that they were a sure way to find out the degree to which I was willing to let myself down. So being an energetic, resourceful sort of person I began to fling myself madly in all directions and then look up at the end to see what I had accomplished. I could meet physical demands this way, work or career goals, romantic aspirations, family desires, lifestyle changes...there was no limit to the directions I could fling. Looking back, I am very satisfied with the milestones of my life, but I do wonder what might have been if I had actually set myself up on a path towards a specific target. In other words, believed in myself and what I could do.
Now that I’m getting a little older and my two wees ones have taken every last bit of extra energy I might have left, it is time to start focusing my energy. My husband has immense focus when he is working on something. Watching our two figures working you would see the steady work horse that is he and the Tasmanian devil that is spinning circles and racing back and forth, to and fro, that is me. In the end we both get the same amount done in the same amount of time. Until recently, I found this infuriating. Now I think it deserves some attention.
So grateful am I to have been given this budget on my energy. I no longer can (or want to) do everything I can fling out in a day. I would rather distribute my energy wisely, with intention, with focus and towards something I have my eye on. I am going to set up some real goals and…well…being the big girl I am now, go ahead and reach them. No more letting myself down. No more selling myself short. That was so last year.
To be honest, I have always been secretly and quietly afraid of my potential. Marianne Williamson calls this a woman’s biggest fear. Not of being inadequate but of being capable beyond measure. I don’t know about you, but I feel like I’ve had a boogeyman-type of thing lurking in my closet all of my life and if I ever just turned to let him out, everything would change. My superpowers would be unleashed and I would now be responsible for having a true impact on the world. I would have to own up to my contributions because they did not come about accidentally.
I don’t mean to be self-deprecating here. I think I’ve done a pretty good job with my days. Really, I am proud, if still insecure. I’ve done my best and managed to work some cool stuff into existence. But I still think there is more - much more waiting in the wings. And I’m far too curious to leave that stone unturned despite evidence that I am heading into the ‘latter’ portion of my life.
I started my vision board today. I had the help of my 3 year old boy and 5 year old girl. He cut out all of the sharks and things with wheels. She cut out everything to do with chocolate, butterflies, babies and puppies. Mine? Well, it is still very much a work in progress. Lots of words and quotes – even a couple of insipirational articles by my favourite writer, Martha Beck. Loads of food pictures. Anything to do with colour sequences, make-up (though I don’t wear any), shoes (though my plastic flip-flops or Sorrel winters are my usual style), flags, flowers…a colour explosion.
The process was fantastic. And despite knowing lately that I wanted to create some kind of target for myself, I have been unable to figure out exactly what it would look like. The photo cutting was extremely helpful to move towards shaping this goal. Perhaps it was an exercise in re-discovering the kinds of things I like. Many would attest to the fact that raising wee children can make one forget even what flavour of ice cream they prefer. It just ain’t about you for quite some time, isn’t it?
One important discovery is that I don’t think I necessarily need to find an existing target out there in the world. I may need to build it from scratch. Most things I like to do from scratch, so why not this? It might not be something that anyone has built before. And that should be just fine. My own little mystery to unravel.
So find a target, write it down, paste it up with pictures, tell a friend (or ten), map it out, know the who/what/where’s/whens/whys and with whoms about it.
And last but not least. Don’t sell yourself short. I don’t know you that well, but I know that you are able to do far more than you probably believe. I know this for you more than I know it for myself. Not in an 'over-doing' kind of way, but in a taking care of yourself and giving the best of yourself with the time that you have.
But as always, do it with kindness, patience, permission and surrender. And let me know how it goes!